Love in the Time of Dollar-a

In the course of general Facebook exchanges, my friend Julie Willson and I discovered that we are, for whatever reason, the target of a whole range of scammers. (Indeed Julie’s something of an expert in this field as she wrote the very funny and highly informative Virtually Kissing Frogs: How to Stay Afloat in the Online Dating Pond.) She and I live something like 5,000 miles apart, but these con-artists are not daunted by mere geography (after all, dollars, pounds, euros – they’re all spendable). So we started posting screenshots of these BOTD (Boyfriend of the Day) friend requests – and then discovered we weren’t so special after all. Lots of our friends have been getting either the same or very similar ones as well. If you are a woman and you have a FB account, you’ve probably had your (un)fair share as well.

Anyway, normally we ignore, delete, report, or block these individuals, depending on our particular temperament – I tend to just leave them dangling. But today I felt the need for a bit of devilment and replied!

This is the handsome gentleman who contacted me. I have no idea who he really is. Google Image Search isn’t throwing anything up (I haven’t tried Tin Eye on him), but I’d bet good money – assuming I had any – that his name isn’t William Mathew. However, his FB URL identifies him as being one Fatima Haruna Mohammed. I have no idea who she really is, either, although I’m fairly certain she doesn’t look even slightly like the man in the photo.

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Nice flowery meadow, though.

So I sent him/her/them this:

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I wasn’t expecting a response, but just over an hour later, things started to get exciting:

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OK, OK, so I was wrong there. L— kindly points out my error here: ‘It’s perfectly normal,’ he says, ‘for apparently white Western men to have nicknames alluding to genders, ethnic groups and/or religious communities it seems unlikely they could belong to. Just ask my brothers, Avul Pakir Jainilabdeen Abdul Kalam Manakkayar and Patriarch Kirill, or my dad, Bibi Balbir Kaur.’

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As W— observed, this is the elliptical form of ‘What do you do now? Now that you’ve murdered your whole family, I mean.’

What was it Oscar Wilde said about losing parents? ‘To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness’? Losing two parents, a spouse, and a sibling — why, that’s just profligacy! Tcha!

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That last comment had me puzzled for a while, but fortunately K— was on hand to explain that it’s the somewhat creepier version of helicopter parenting. Glad we got that one sorted out.

By the way, if you’re thinking of dashing off and signing up for the US army just for the salary: don’t – a US Army general earns about a fifth of what Fatima William claims.

At this point, he sent me some photos of ‘his’ son, but I won’t reproduce them here because it’s bad enough some scammer pinching photos of someone else’s child for their own nefarious purposes without my using them for shits ‘n’ giggles.

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(Just for clarity: I have no kids. But hey, he said in his profile biog that he’s ‘a honest man [sic]’ who’s ‘looking for honest someone like [him]’, and I’m being every bit as honest as he is.)

It’s at this point, things take a turn for the romantic… and our hero builds up to declaring his undying love (and proposing) to me ❤

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I am  so much nice and kind to him. Also honest. Definitely the best for him, bwahahahah.

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Time to get in the financial demands before he does, no?

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Maybe I should set his nickname to ‘OiPunkDoYouThinkIWasBornYesterday’.

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If I’d had my wits about me, I’d have answered his call. It would be interesting to see what kind of voice/accent he has. Oh well, playing hard to get won’t do any harm, although as B— observes, his days are numbered, as he can’t live without me. So sad. Poor Fat Willy.

Especially if L— is right and ‘it turns out he really is a broken-hearted orphaned/widowed/de-siblinged lonely millionaire US general, just desperate to find that special someone.’ Meh, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

But I’m going to leave the last words to H—: ‘Wow, they move fast. Who falls for this??’

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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