I recently came across an article which listed twenty five questions that, it claimed, would help even the most socially-inept individual come across as charming and an excellent conversationalist. Erm… no. These are not, as the article proclaims, ’25 Good Questions to Ask People’ — or not just that: maybe it was initially ’25 Good Questions to Ask People if You Want Your Head Flushed Down the Toilet’ but they ran out of space?
Anyway, these are the questions… and, in case you were foolhardy enough to think of asking me any of them, my responses thereto.
1. What is your best childhood memory?
~Umm… I try not to think about my childhood. It wasn’t bad; just so long ago it doesn’t seem relevant.
2. If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?
~Nothing — I have no regrets; everything — it’d be interesting to see what the result would have been. But it’s a stupid question because it can’t happen.
3. How did the two of you meet?
~Do I know you? How is that any of your business?
4. What do you feel most proud of?
~Ya wot? How does one rank one’s achievements?
5. What is your favorite music?
~I’m not a great music lover. I quite like lots of things, some more than others depending on my mood, but I certainly don’t have a ‘favorite’ [sic].
6. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?
~I wouldn’t. I’d live in Catalonia, but I hate travelling.
7. If you could only keep five possessions, what would they be?
~Hmm… tell you what, I’m just gonna slap you now. Any more stupid questions like this and I’ll think seriously about flushing your head down the toilet, OK?
8. What teacher in school made the most impact on you and why?
~Don’t think any did.
9. What do you want your tombstone to say?
~Couldn’t care less — I won’t be here to know about it.
10. What was one of your most defining moments in life?
~Haven’t had any. Man is the sum of his past commitments (hey, let’s be existentialist here) so no individual moment is of any more importance than any other.
11. Why did you choose that profession?
~Didn’t. Never have. I just drift into things. And I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
12. How do you spend your free time?
~I don’t have ‘free time’. I just have my life.
13. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
~Gawd, how I hate these speculative questions. I have no idea what I’d do as it’s probably not going to happen and I have no wish to dwell on, and depress myself by thinking about, all the fantastic things I’ll never be able to do.
14. Who do you most admire in life?
~ Whom*. And no one. I respect many people; I admire none.
15. What are your top three favorite books and why?
~No, just no. I have read quite literally thousands of books in my lifetime (say an average of 10 a month for the last 45 years) and you think I can narrow it down to three I like more than the rest?
16. What are you most afraid of?
~Spiders. Full stop.
17. What feels like love to you?
~Remember I slapped you for asking me Question #7? And what I said I’d do if you didn’t desist from such crass stupidity? Well, you haven’t desisted, have you? So I’m now going to flush your head down the toilet — repeatedly. When I stop, that’ll be what love feels like.
18. What is your strongest personal quality?
~My ability to flush idiots’ heads down toilets.
19. What was your most embarrassing moment?
~OK… I can answer this one; but only because it’s nowhere near as embarrassed as you must be feeling right now with all that toilet water dribbling down your neck. On the tube in London during the morning rush hour, still half asleep, I notice that the train has already stopped in my station and I’m still sitting down. I leap to my feet — only to discover that the man next to me has his foot on the bottom of my elasticated-waist skirt. Everyone in the compartment got to see my less-sexy-than-I’d-have-liked undies… and the train pulled out so I had to stay in the same train until the next stop.
20. If you were president, what is the first thing you would do?
~Slap you for asking me this question (and then, in quick succession, flush your head down the toilet… again).
21. What age do you feel right now and why?
~I don’t. I have no idea what ‘feeling an age’ is. I just feel like me.
22. If you could witness any event of the past, present, or future, what would it be?
~Do’h… if it’s in the future how the flying F am I supposed to know what it is? If it’s in the past, either I’ve already seen it or it’s been documented enough for actual eyeballing to seem unnecessary.
23. What is a skill you’d like to learn and why?
~None comes to mind — if one did, I’d be learning it, not sitting here answering your stupid questions. There again, a course in advanced head-flushing might not come amiss.
24. What does a perfect day look like to you?
~Oh, FFS. You really enjoy having your head flushed down the toilet, don’t you?
25. How would your friends describe you?
~Sigh. How about you stop pestering me with this nonsense and go ask them?